I was on the treadmill the other day when the thought came to me.
I don't really like treadmills. I get a picture of a gerbil every time I am on one.
I can walk faster or I can walk slower. I can increase the incline, change the speed, work harder and sweat more.
But, at the end of it all, I am still exactly where I started!
Going nowhere. And, I couldn't help but think about how much of life can feel that way.
We are moving constantly. We are answering texts, returning emails, making appointments, packing lunches, remembering who needs cleats and ballet shoes, starting dinner, and helping with homework.
Then, we do it all over again tomorrow. We are moving.
But, are we going somewhere? Or are we simply, very, very busy?
BUSY.
Often, when I talk with families, and ask, "How is everything going?", I often hear- Busy. And at the same time-exhausted.
Children are in soccer, gymnastics and dance. There are art classes, school, swimming lessons, camps and school events.
And, there is nothing inherently wrong with any of those things. Children should explore and discover what they love. They should try new things and have an opportunity to develop talents and friendships.
But sometimes I wonder if we have confused opportunity with abundance.
More isn't always more. Sometimes more is simply....more.
And sometimes what a child needs most isn't another activity. Sometimes they need an afternoon with nothing planned. To lie in the grass. To build something out of cardboard. To make up a game with a friend.
They need to be bored enough to discover what comes after boredom. Or simply sit beside you while you make dinner and tell you a very funny story.
These moments might not look impressive on a calendar, but they are building something.
The extraordinary work of ordinary childhood.
The early years of a child's life are astonishing. Think about what happens in that first year.
A tiny human arrives who can do nothing independently. And then, before we know it, that baby is smiling, sitting, crawling, pulling up, crawling, walking and then running. Not to mention all the other developmental stages that go on emotionally, mentally and growth wise.
While we sometimes think of childhood developement in terms of milestones-when they walk, talk, read, so much of the most important work is happening inside ordinary relationships.
Your child looks at you. You look back. You name what they're seeing, and they answer. They might cry and you pick them up. They might laugh, then you laugh.
These simple back and forth exchanges are what researchers call "serve and return".
The Center on the Developing Child at Harvard describes these responsive interactions between young children and adults as foundational to healthy brain development. They help build the neural connections involved in language, social development, emotional well-being and later learning.
The Hidden Cost of always being "On"
Of course, there is another person in the equation-the parents.
Today, parents carry an enormous amount on their shoulders. For many families, both parents are working outside the home either full or part time. There are financial pressures, demanding jobs, household responsibilities, school expectations and the constant mental load of keeping an entire family functioning.
When children are little, there is simply a tremendous amount of work involved in raising them. I know this firsthand, as I have four children, spaced about 6.5 years apart. Was it busy? Yes!
Four children alone create a certain amount of beautiful chaos.
What happens when the adults run out of room?
This is where the conversation about "busy" becomes important. Because the questions aren't really whether soccer is good or piano is better, the question is:
What is the pace of our family life doing to the people inside it?
Research has found associations between parental burnout and difficulties in family functioning and child well-being. That doesn't mean that a busy family is a broken family. It certainly doesn't mean that extracurricular activities cause burnout.
Life is complicated and families have different circumstances. Sometimes activities provide community, support, friendship, confidence and joy.
The well-being of the adults matters, too, though.A child doesn't benefit from having every opportunity if the people caring for that child are so depleted that there is no emotional room left at the end of the day.
Children don't only need opportunities; they need relationships, and relationships take time.
Maybe the question isn't "How much can we fit in?"
But, "What do we want our family life to look like?"
If you could step outside your family for a moment and watch an ordinary Monday evening, what would you see?
Would you see everyone coming and going? Parents driving from one activity to the next? Or would there be moments when everyone is simply together?
Give your family some space.
I've come to believe that families need something that our calendars rarely provide:
Empty Space. Unscheduled space. Nothing space. Space where no one has to perform or accomplish anything.
Space whee a child can follow a curiosity simply because it is interesting. Where sibling can invent their own entertainment. Where parents can breathe.
It might mean choosing fewer activities. Perhaps each child doesn't need three activities at once. It might mean choosing between fewer things.
And, perhaps, when your child says, " I'm bored", you don't immediately solve the problem Let them be bored. There is a beautiful kind of freedom on the other side of boredom.
You don't have to win childhood.
There is no trophy for the child who participated in the most activities. No prize for the family with the fullest calendar.
Children are not a project to complete, they are people to know.
Know them-what makes them laugh, what they are afraid of, and know what THEY notice.
Sit beside them. Listen. Eat dinner together when you can. Go outside. Let them help you make something. Let them see you slow down.
Because perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is not a childhood filled with experiences. It is a childhood in which they felt known. Loved. Safe. Unhurried.
Maybe this is the real destination.
I thought about that treadmill again. I can increase the speed, push harder, go faster. But, I can never change direction. Life can be like that, too.
We can't become very good at moving without ever asking whether we are moving toward the life we actually want.
So, look around, take a breath and ask:
Where are we going? What matters most to us? What do we want our children to remember about growing up in this family?
Because someday, the children will be grown. The house will be quieter. The calendar will look different.
And we will realize that the years we were so busy trying to get through were actually the years we were living.
So, don't be afraid to slow down. Let's not be afraid of an empty afternoon, and let's not mistake stillness for failing behind.
Because maybe we aren't supposed to be racing through childhood at all. Maybe we are simply supposed to be there for it. Maybe the goal was never to get somewhere faster.
Maybe the gift was always in the going-and in the people walking beside us.
Keep the Stories Going
There are so many stories waiting to be told.
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